


I'll be your paradise

by bgsbgsbgs



Category: Looking for Alaska - John Green
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-27
Updated: 2014-06-27
Packaged: 2018-02-06 11:20:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1856194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bgsbgsbgs/pseuds/bgsbgsbgs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because the colonel can fix anything?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll be your paradise

**Author's Note:**

> Super depressing at the beginning, saccharine sweet at the end...

I will be your paradise  
I dragged the blade across my skin. Not because I liked the pain, but because I deserved it. I deserved it because I’d screwed things up with Lana, I screwed things up with Takumi, I was in the process of screwing things up with the colonel and I had most certainly, most irrevocably, screwed up big time with Alaska. Alaska was now dead, because I couldn’t organise my latent homosexuality. Because I could not accept and tell the colonel that I was in love with him. I love him with all my crooked heart. And because I do not have the courage to say three simple words, I kissed Alaska (who had a boyfriend), whilst having a girlfriend (well, she was in love with her roommate Katie, so I hadn’t really screwed her over too hard). I mean, she headed straight for that car because of me. I dug the blade in harder, because my skinny frame did not deserve the colonel. Harder, because my terrible, selfish tendencies did not deserve the colonel. Harder, because my measly intellect did not compare to the colonel. Harder, because I would never know Alaska’s last words and harder still because I was adamant that the colonel would never hear mine. 

Knock! Knock! Knock! “Shit” I muttered. “Shit, Shit, Shit! I’m busy...give me a minute...please don’t come in I’m....” I was interrupted by the sound of the colonel opening the door. “Pudge, I think I can handle your nudity....come on I’m sure I’ve seen worse” Worse! Worse! What could be worse than this I thought. But as tears pooled in my eyes and blood pooled at my thighs, I met the colonel’s gaze. “Oh, Pudge....” he bent down to match my height as I was laying between the toilet and the shower “Miles? Why? Is it because of Alaska....it was my fault too, we shouldn’t have let her go. I know that you were in love with her, but you can’t beat yourself up about it! I’m here for you buddy!” How the hell was he so GODDAMN smart, all the bloody time. “I wasn’t in love with her, I loved her.....but we weren’t in love....”   
The colonel was quite for about ten seconds, then the blood gathered. “Holy Shit! Miles” he said, his tone uncharacteristically gentle “we need to get you some first aid, these cuts are really deep....please don’t do this again, you can always talk to me, you know the next time you wanna do something like this....I’ve already lost Alaska...I can’t lose you too. Do you understand?” I can always talk to you? Can i really? How the hell would you respond....I cut myself because I love you and my love for you killed your best friend because I’m a complete and utter asshole, and you’re straight, and way too hot for my scrawny ass and ugly face (even if I wasn’t one of the most evil people ever!)....I’m sorry that I totally....My train of thought was interrupted by the colonel “Pudge, I mean Miles...what are you thinking, what were you thinking just then”  
“I prefer Pudge” I quickly corrected “I like it...it’s endearing!”   
He smiled “Ok, Pudge...what were you just thinking?”  
“Nothing” I lied  
“No, I mean it...tell me...please, also...I think I’m gonna have to call you an ambulance...” He abruptly took his shirt off and applied it to my cuts “To stop the bleeding!” His gaze wandered to some of my earlier cuts. With sheer hurt in his eyes, he looked up at me “A lot of these cuts predate Alaska....and the Creek even” He blinked away a tear “Pudge....please tell me whats’s going on....”. 

 

I took a deep breath. I had never seen the colonel cry before and as cute as he looked (he always looks super cute and sexy and just WOW!), I didn’t like the fact that I was, yet again, the cause of his pain. “Okay....the ones before Culver Creek.....in Florida...nobody liked me...apart from these really boring people that I really could not stand....and I was just so angry and hurt” I winced in pain “Then, I came here....and I was happy but I felt shit because I didn’t deserve to be” I don’t deserve you as a friend, let alone a lover “So you know...old habits....but I guess, since I kinda killed her, they have been getting more frequent and deeper...”. Also I kinda fucking love you and I’m a worthless little shit, and I don’t deserve to tell you or have you know....and you’d probably laugh at me   
“Pudge....You are my best friend and I love you....please talk to me about anything...I’m always there to listen....Shit! Pudge, can you walk...look....I need to load you into my car, to get you to the hospital....these are really fucking deep...”. And then, all of a sudden....about sixteen years of emotional repression released itself in that moment and I burst into uncontrollable tears.   
“S’ok, Pudge, I’m hear...I’ve got you...let it all go....” And I wept....

Somewhere between the hospital and the drive I must have passed out, but when I got there I was unconscious. When I woke up, the colonel was curled up asleep in the armchair by my bed. There was an IV in my arm and a machine taking my vitals and a chart at the end of my bed, I wanted to know what it said. But for now, I was more than happy to watch the colonel sleep. 

When the colonel woke up, he was glad to see me well.   
“Pudge! Pudge! You’re okay....Look, I’ll call Dr. Hyde to discharge you....long story...but he likes you and that you give a shit about what he teaches...urgg...I’m sooo glad that you are well.” He move forward and kissed my cheek and hugged me ferociously. I felt so warm and happy, I wished I could have died in that very moment (I’d be so lucky). But as he carded his hands through my tangled mess of shrubbery that I call hair, I was kinda glad to be alive. 

The Colonel drove me and Dr. Hyde back to the campus, Hyde promised not to tell anyone about what happened and asked that I was not too hard on myself about Alaska, it wasn’t my fault and he said he thought I was a good kid. When Hyde left the care the colonel said he needed to talk to me.   
“Pudge, I need to know why...okay...I let Alaska go...but I won’t give you the same privilege. Tell me everything...please....I really don’t, can’t lose you” God, he was crying again. And I started crying...”Okay...I’ll tell”. And I told him everything.

Later that night  
“Jesus! Pudge....Can I touch them?” I nodded. “They’re so beautiful! You’re so beautiful Pudge” Here I was, the perfect, sexy, genius, virtuous colonel, telling me my scars were beautiful. “You know something? I think I love you with all my crooked heart” And in that moment I died with happiness. Clearly my face showed it, because he said “You dirty, dirty boy.....How about a shower?” And my life was perfect

 

Later that month  
“Pu-uuu-dge!” Whined the colonel “I miss you”   
“You saw me ten minutes ago” I chuckled  
“And it was a bloody long ten minutes” he retorted  
“Come on, babe, we're gonna be together the entire break.....my parents are dying to meet this mysterious colonel”   
“What do I wear?” he pleaded  
“You look hot in EVERYTHING, whatever you want...” I smiled  
“I love you wa-aa-aa-yyy too much....it’s clearly not healthy. Wanna shower babe?”  
“I’m okay”  
“So am I....I just like showering with you”  
“I know” I beamed as I cuddled up into the bunk with him “I love you!”  
“I love you too” he responded with a delightful immediacy“Do you think we can get married one day?....cos all I want is you”  
“I feel that way too” I concurred as tears pooled in my eyes  
“If only Alaska could have seen us! She'd be soo happy....she loved you, y’know....almost as much as I did...she deserved to see us this happy....I mean I remember that night”  
“Please don't do this” I pleaded  
“Your skin was pale, and your skin was raw....but you were still the forever beautiful Miles Halter, you were still my Pudge and I will love you for that, no matter what happens to me, no matter what happens to you...I will never stop loving you....I will never stop needing you”  
“Me neither” I beamed, as I blinked back even more tears “I love you, Chip Martin with all my crooked heart. You are my Great Perhaps! You are my path out of the Labyrinth...And I want to know every single word you say...not just you’re last words. I am yours forever....don’t ever forget that my love!”


End file.
